Hello, you have used 99.9% of your available Google Account storage and will lose access to Gmail unless you make room, or purchase more storage. We’ve scanned your account and hope that the following insights about your data usage will help you manage your needs:
We noticed that marketing e-mails account for 85.4% of your Inbox. We know you are not a fan of them because of the grimace you make when you get one (oops, yes, we are using your camera). However, since we also own the marketing platforms that companies use to send you those e-mails (and they pay us a lot of money—like, really, a lot), we can’t advise that you delete any of them, so look for space elsewhere.
Did you know that you e-mail yourself 58% more than the average person? Most of these e-mails are ideas for a novel. After comparing them with the plots of the ninety-four million e-books in our online library, we can confidently say they’ve been done already—and can be deleted. The rest of your notes are reminders to complete daily tasks, like “Print UPS labels” and “Plan ayahuasca retreat.” If you’re having so much trouble remembering things, you might want to sign up for a cognitive-assessment screening. You can find two hundred and seventy-eight e-mails on doing so in your Promotions folder.
Speaking of memories, we wanted to ask, what is your current relationship status with Julia? Because we found that you still have a lot of old e-mails to her saved in your Sent folder. Based on your gratuitous use of the kissy-face emoji, our algorithm has determined that you’re hoarding notes to an ex. If it’s not too forward, might we observe that, honestly, she was never that into you? Your long missives full of movie recommendations and opinions about renewable energy largely went unanswered (74.8%) and, when she did reply, it was mostly with one-liners, like, “Oh, cool, thx.” It’s time to let go.
It might be worth taking a look at your Drafts folder—54.9% of your drafts are one-word e-mails you began typing and simply forgot about; 23.4% are complaints to your neighbors you never sent; and the rest are even more book ideas. Oh, but there is this one e-mail to Julia that is actually quite sweet, and if you had sent it maybe she wouldn’t have left you.
Finally, you may feel inclined to empty out your Spam folder. Don’t. Having assessed your risk of clicking on something that launches a malware attack, we advise that you do not even open the folder.
Uh-oh, it turns out that this e-mail is going to put you over the storage limit. Sorry! Click here to enroll in our expanded storage plan.
Sincerely,
The Gmail Team ♦
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