A photo of a man's torso. We see him holding a jar of coins in front of his chest.
PHOTOGRAPH BY IMAGE SOURCE / ALAMY

GoDaddy Domain Name “Katzentoons”

My mom explained to me that, in order to get hired, I needed a good Web site, so I bought the domain name “Katzentoons.” I tried to make a Web site, but it turned out I don’t really know how to do that. I then tried to delete my GoDaddy account, but I don’t know how to do that, either. Now I pay eleven dollars a year to make sure that nobody else takes “Katzentoons.”

“Home Office”

This is a euphemism for my bed, where I eat, sleep, and sometimes write jokes.

Blink-182 Tickets

I just really want to see Blink-182, even though Tom Delonge isn’t in the band anymore because he thinks aliens are real and have talked to him. If I write about Blink-182 in this piece and I get paid for it, the tickets are officially being used for professional purposes.

All of My Lunches

Every single lunch I’ve had this year was a business lunch. Come at me.

“My Brilliant Friend” and “A Little Life”

If you live in New York City and ride the subway, purchasing these two books should be tax-deductible.

Buying Extra Space on Gmail

Because I receive so many work-related e-mails. Not because I’m too lazy to unsubscribe from every single mailing list I’ve ever accidentally ended up on.

The Twenty Dollars that the MetroCard Kiosk Ate

The M.T.A. employee in the booth said that I could get that money back if I wrote a letter explaining what happened, but we both knew I wasn’t going to write a letter. I’m calling it an out-of-pocket charitable contribution to the state of New York.

Jar of Coins in My Kitchen

Or, as I like to call it, my sep I.R.A.

Hanson T-Shirt

Whenever I wear my Hanson shirt, strangers give me compliments. Sometimes, older men tell me that they used to think Taylor Hanson was a girl, and I tell them, Same. One day I suspect one of these people will offer me a job, so this was a business expense.

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The Lyft I Ordered for My Wasted Friend

I listed him as a dependent.

Fries

People keep taking my fries and saying “Fry tax!” Well, I want to get reimbursed. In fries.

The “Entourage” Movie

I watched twenty minutes of the “Entourage” movie on an airplane. It was free, but I lost a part of myself forever. This is, at minimum, a fifty-dollar deduction.

All of the Alcohol I’ve Had Since January 20th

If my taxes are going toward a stupid fucking wall, and I’m going to have to live in fear of imminent world destruction and be nearly in tears every time I get a CNN alert, the least America can do is help out with my bar tab.

Everything I’ve Stress-Eaten Since January 20th

See above.

All of the Xanax I’ve Purchased Since—

You get the idea.

Band Stuff

I’m the keyboardist in an indie rock band that plays at bars in Williamsburg. We’re going to MAKE IT. This is my career, so of course spending money on band shirts and sponsored Facebook posts is a business expense.

“???”

I did include a category just called “???” because there’s no way I make enough money for the I.R.S. to care about how much of it I write off. That’s how it works, right?