A person riding a bike past graffiti that talks about NFT's.
Photograph by Ashish Vaishnav / SOPA / Shutterstock

We, the architects and early adopters of N.F.T.s (non-fungible tokens) hear you, and, effective immediately, we are shutting down N.F.T.s.

We hear you when you say that our technology—generating digital certificates of authenticity on the blockchain by using powerful computers—doesn’t meet any need other than our own lust for power. We hear you when you say that those powerful computers contribute unnecessarily to climate change. We hear you because you’re being a wittle too loud.

All the great innovations of the past—gravity, the printing press, the panini press—faced skepticism. But we’re different from earlier innovators; we’re taking action. By retiring N.F.T.s, we are freeing up bandwidth to create even better innovations to solve humanity’s most pressing problems in more moral, equitable ways.

Here are some of the latest and greatest ideas in our tech stack to fill the gap left by the death of N.F.T.s.

padops (Pouring Arsenic Directly Onto Plants)

padops will have a negligible impact on the planet (if you take into consideration the entire history of the planet). That might lead you to ask, “So, they’re doing just as much damage as N.F.T.s?” We are one step ahead of you. We’re already exploring ways to reduce padops’ environmental impact, and have made incredible strides with P.A.D.O.J.S.P.s (Pouring Arsenic Directly on Just Some Plants).

W.T.F.s (Wittle, Tiny Forest Fires)

W.T.F.s use the strategic burning of wooded areas to create an undeniable record of each transaction on the blockchain. A devastated forest is nature’s original certification of authenticity.

W.M.D.s 2.0

These are the weapons of mass destruction that you know and love, but even more accessible to non-warlords. Anyone with a smartphone can trade and traffic in percentages of planet-annihilating devices—just download the cool, easy-to-use Destroy app (iOS only!). Now, a small-business owner can purchase 0.0000000000000000000000000000001 per cent of a nuclear missile, or a stay-at-home mom can own 0.00000000000000000001 per cent of a grenade launcher. And both can acquire their very own flamethrower! That’s progress. For too long, the barrier to enter warlording has been too high for regular people; W.M.D.s 2.0 welcome everyone to the American imperial dream of democratizing destruction and finally making ruination accessible.

D.P.s and b00bs (Dick Pics and Big Ol’ Oval Boobies)

Boob, dick, and butt pics should make someone horny and make someone money. By registering your boob, dick, and/or butt pic and convincing ten friends to do the same, you’ll be at the top of a pyramid-like structure, which enables you to monetize the massive, surveillance-based cataloging of every penis, ass, and pair of breasts on Earth. Best of all, this sensitive data will be hyper-encrypted so that it cannot be misused by local law enforcement. It will only be available to be misused by federal law enforcement.

eppes (evil, pure, pure evil)

Lastly, we’re thrilled to debut eppes, a brand-new, never-before-seen technology, which will (full disclosure) probably end most of humanity. Before the skeptics and cancel-culture warriors object a wittle too loudly, though, keep in mind that eppe early adopters will be able to build a new society and pillage the belongings of the dead. Let us be clear—we feel kind of bad about this one. Even for us, it’s a bit much. Are we absolutely still going to deploy it? Of course. But we’re going to grimace and sulk about like a schoolboy for a few days after. The world will still burn, but we will be somewhat disappointed in ourselves.

So, pour out a padop, burn a W.T.F., buy a W.M.D., get horny for D.P.s and b00bs, and be quick about it. eppes are about to document the final transaction on the blockchain—the death of humanity for a wittle bit of cash.