February 7, 2022 Issue
A priest wearing a baseball cap is singing into a microphone in front of a pedestal.
Illustration by Luci Gutiérrez

With access to the most charismatic pastors and snappiest sermons via YouTube and podcasts, churchgoers’ standards are rising. . . . Full texts and outlines of sermons are available on websites like Sermon Central and Logos, ostensibly for reference and inspiration. . . . Some larger churches . . . employ in-house “preaching teams” that collaborate on sermon production.

—The Times, July 7, 2021.

1. do not begin any sermon with the following lines:- “Yesterday morning, while I was sitting on the toilet . . .”
- “Some of you may have seen the headline ‘Local Clergyman Found Naked and Inebriated in Walmart Linens Aisle’ . . .”
- “What a great-looking crowd! Anyone in a relationship? With Jehovah?”
- “A priest, a rabbi, and the man they both crave walk into a bar . . .”

2. phrases that will appeal to younger parishioners:- “Texting—it’s like praying with your thumbs, dude.”
- “My pronouns are ‘thou,’ ‘thy,’ and ‘let’s get this hip-hop Mass started, bitches!’ ”
- “The Sistine Chapel is God’s selfie.” (Make mind-blown hand gesture and sound effect.)
- “Let’s talk about climate change. It’s what happens when we do meth.”

3. reaching out to women:- “Mary—she wasn’t just someone’s mom.”
- “Moses—am I right, ladies?”
- “Is mutually satisfying sex an important part of a godly marriage? Let’s ask Solomon’s two-hundred-and-seventeenth wife, Amanda of Goshen.”
- “And, just like that, Eve was blamed for wanting to pursue her education.”

4. dealing with secular topics:- “Would I endorse a political candidate? You bet I would—if his name was Junior Senator Jesus Christ, from the great state of Worship.”
- “I hear a lot of talk about queer people. Well, God loves everyone. Even Marjorie Harbett’s husband and that young fellow he calls his associate car washer.”
- “When I hear the words ‘women’s reproductive freedom,’ do you know what I think? I think, That’s a lovely blouse, Helen Darrells! Is it new?”

5. larger themes (suggested titles):- Is Murder a Mortal Sin? Even at the Holidays?
- What Does God Mean by Salvation? Don’t Any of You Have Google?
- Hugging: Does It Lead to My Resignation?
- World Peace: Is It Just Something Jews Yell to Steal Your Parking Space?
- Forgiveness: Even Your Dry Cleaner?

6. product placement:- “Many people ask, ‘Can I ever atone? For not buying a 2022 Chevy Equinox?’ ”
- “Do I believe in miracles? Of course! Especially when I have persistent diarrhea and there’s Imodium Multi-Symptom Relief!”
- “Why did the Lord make war and suffering? So we’d appreciate Applebee’s Chicken Fajita Rollups!”

7. 100%-guaranteed punch lines:- “Oops, God did it again!”
- “That’s what the Almighty said!”
- “Is that a hymnal in your pocket, or are you just really excited about the story of Ruth?”
- “Oy vey, Sister Matilde!”

8. snappy sayings:- “Bless your heart—especially in my body after your car accident!”
- “Can I get an amen? And a raise? I’m kidding!”
- “Let us pray—for me to get a raise! I’m still kidding!”
- “You may kiss the bride—and my ass, if I don’t get a raise! I’ll be here all week—unless I don’t get that raise!”
- “May God be with you—because I’m outta here, you cheap bastards!” ♦