New Year’s resolutions are those special little promises you make to be less like yourself and more like other, better people. They’re an invaluable opportunity to alter your habits and behaviors in ways that make you a more bearable person to be around, now that you’ve stopped eating egg salad at work.

Illustration by Michael Crawford

The more specific you are about your resolution, the better your chance of sticking with it. Don’t just say, “I want to lose weight.” Say, “When my arm jiggles, I want it to look less like a pelican’s throat-pouch choking down a bass.”

Start small with your weight-loss goals. Begin with your fingers. When those aren’t obese anymore, move on to your arms and legs, then to your torso, and finally to those crazy chipmunk cheeks of yours.

The best way to remind yourself of your goals and to elicit support from family, friends, and even coworkers, is to write them out and post them in a visible place. There’s a big difference between thinking, Stop paying for sex so much, and actually seeing the words.

Maybe getting organized is your resolution. If so, it’s time to make some tough decisions. Look at those stacks of old magazines, are you really going to read those? Look at those bills scattered all over your desk, are you really going to pay those? Look at all those prescription bottles clogging up your medicine cabinet, are you really going to normalize your brain chemistry enough to hold down a job with those?

If you decide to cut something out this year, try replacing it with something else to balance out the loss. If you stop drinking soda, for example, replace it with becoming more sedentary. You deserve it. You loved soda.

Smokers: Yes, your resolution to quit last year lasted for an hour and a half. Yes, you were insufferable during every minute of it. Yes, at one point you reached over the Starbucks counter and gave that poor barista a completely unwarranted nipple-twist. But this is a fresh start. Your carcinogen-bloated lungs aren’t the only things that have grown this year. You’ve grown, too.

Getting out of debt is a big one these days, the problem is figuring out how. You’ve already cut back on food expenses, medical expenses, your kids’ expenses. At this point, you may be forced to take a closer look at the horses you’re betting on.

Finding your soul mate is one of those tricky resolutions, but one that thousands of women named Karen will put on their list this year, right after “No more strays. Not even Calicos.”

It’s important not to let one little slip up send you into a tailspin. Too often, one donut leads to another donut and another, and the next thing you know you’re making your own donuts and opening a wildly successful international donut franchise. And guess who’s suddenly too overweight to be in their own TV commercials?

This could be the year you finally commit to pursuing a job you’re passionate about. A resolution that’s both thrilling and terrifying. Thrilling because you may actually start doing what you love. And terrifying because you love poisonous frogs.

Unplugging from technology to reconnect with family and friends is a great resolution, just remember to take it slow. Don’t attempt direct eye contact right away. Be prepared for a great deal of confusion and anxiety at first. There may also be some low, guttural growling, even arousal, and likely some violence. You can always cool things off with a smiley face text until you’re both ready to give it another try.

Finally, don’t expect others to necessarily share the same resolution goals as you. You might have the goal of improving your marriage this year, while your wife’s resolution might be to do a sixty-nine with her trainer, Ricardo.

Whatever happens, remind yourself that you’re human and that, in the end, resolutions are nothing more than little coin wishes tossed into a fountain, and that sometimes you need to roll up your pant legs, walk into that fountain and borrow those wishes back so you can buy yourself a generic bottle of vodka, because the timing literally could not be worse for this bullshit.