So, when do they get interesting?
Does the body grow, or will the head shrink?
Has she learned any new tricks recently?
What’s the next level she’ll unlock? Crawling? Texting?
I can curse in front of it, right?
Sorry, her.
She’s not going to remember.
And “fuck” isn’t really a swear word anymore, anyway.
And it definitely won’t be by the time she’s, like, a real human.
It’s like the C-word—we’ll take it back.
Do I not get credit for not saying the C-word out loud?!
Can you take a photo of me holding her? I have a caption in mind.
Has motherhood changed everything for you? Because it’s changed a lot for me, and I don’t even have kids.
For instance, I really don’t feel like I’m still the focus of the conversation.
Yeah, the caption is “LOL what kind of idiot would let me hold their baby.” Is that O.K.?
Don’t you think she looks like me?
Over all, do you find this preferable to having a dog? Because I’m going to do one or the other—haven’t decided.
Or maybe a Peloton?
Can we talk about me?
I am a baby.
When can she vote? Because I definitely want to circle back with her before then.
Are you sure you can’t leave her? Just for a few hours? I need a wingwoman.
Do you ever think about the environmental implications of bringing new life into the world?
Because I read this book—
O.K., fine, it was an article.
Yeah, O.K., it was a tweet. Jake sent it to me. I told you about Jake, right?
So, do you consider your baby a friend? Because I liked being your youngest friend.
Why is she crying? Did Jake dump her, too?
Because you know I just got dumped, right? So I’m a little confused about why you’re sitting there, feeding your child. Yes, I invited myself over here, and, yes, you told me that you were probably too busy to hang out, and definitely too busy to go to a bar to help me get laid, but I thought you meant that metaphorically.
No, I don’t know what “metaphorically” means in that context. What do you think I am, a dictionary? Just because I can’t pump milk doesn’t mean I’m not useful!
By the way—is breast-feeding, like, weird? Sometimes I get so sweaty that I think I’m lactating, so I totally get what you’re going through.
Does she have a middle name yet? Because mine is available. Since it’s really starting to look like I’m not going to be able to lock down a man to reproduce with—
VIDEO FROM THE NEW YORKER
A Young Child Tells Their Mother "I'm Not a Girl"
No, I know that’s not what your marriage is. I was talking about me.
Can we bring this back to me?
I just got dumped, remember? From me telling you ninety seconds ago?
Me? This is about me?
Are you paying attention to me?
O.K., well, I’ve pooped twice today, and you really didn’t seem to care.
You think I’m selfish?
Well, I guess what everyone says about the impossibility of having friends with kids is true. It was nice knowing you.
Sorry. It was nice knowing you?
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