Tote-Bag-Culture Etiquette

• By Ellis Rosen, THE NEW YORKER, Daily Shouts
  

January 7, 2018

Tote bags! As young people flourish into adulthood, they enter a fine tradition of carrying stuff around in conveniently sized lightweight bags. But this transition can be daunting. There are so many rules about tote bags out there that it can be hard to keep up. Don’t fret, for we’ve compiled the basics in this handy list. Next time you go out with your tote, we’ve got you covered.

1. Never bring the tote of one grocery store into a different grocery store.

2. Though tote bags are an excellent form of self-advertising, Tote Law states that your bag must reflect your actual interests.

3. Freshly baked bread quaintly sticking out of a tote must be longer than half of the carrier’s forearm.

4. Do not be fooled by imitators.

5. If you come across someone with the same tote, you must enter Tote Combat. This must be fought to the death.

6. Know your tote signs.

7. There are cursed Dark Totes that dwell within our world. Stay away, for you do not understand the power they wield over you.

8. The seductive call of the Dark Tote Arts sings sweetly into your ear. Turn back! Do not heed the harpies’ call.

9. But, most of all, have fun! Totes are a great way to express yourself!

Ellis Rosen is a cartoonist who has been contributing to The New Yorker since 2016.