We have been observing you for millennia, from a great distance. Your development, your cultures, your wars. Your ways fascinate us. Recently, you have seen our crafts in your airspace. Yes, we are real. And, yes, we are ready to initiate contact.
In earthly terms, we have progressed beyond the concepts of nations, division, and conflict. We are a peaceful civilization, built on coöperation, technological progress, and the power of thought.
We have gathered from our observations that currently the most powerful Thought Leader in your most powerful nation is a human known as Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson. Is that correct?
Because, frankly, this . . . confuses us. What is his deal, exactly?
He is decent at speaking on television, we understand that. But he is far from your most intelligent or most capable human. By, like, a long shot. He seems very upset, all the time, about things that basically don’t exist. And this is coming from aliens.
So why him? Your planet is suffering, its extinction is imminent. And yet this asshole is talking about Antifa. It’s, like, dude. Zoom out.
He does realize Antifa isn’t a thing, right? I mean, we have technology beyond the scope of human comprehension, and even we cannot find a shred of evidence that an organization called Antifa exists, let alone poses any actual threat to your “suburbs.” So some Nazis get punched every once in a while. No offense, but who gives a shit?
Your world is melting, its people are more divided than ever. We want to share our knowledge and alleviate your pain. But, honestly, that Tucker weirdo kinda makes us want to turn around and go home. I mean, good Lord, what a pill. Just. So. Much. Complaining. Dude, stop acting like you didn’t take the vaccine! You know we can see you, right? And now you refer to the way anti-vaxxers are treated as “medical Jim Crow”?! Yeesh. Chill, bro! Take a yoga class! It’s gonna be O.K.!
Look, we really liked the pyramids. Those were cool, and we’d love to see more of that kind of thing. But please ditch this guy. It isn’t worth it. He just sucks, and, in the context of the universe as a whole, you look goofy as hell right now.
Truly, when we tell you how to fix the whole climate-change thing, you’re going to be, like, Wow. O.K., we are officially dumb. And guess what? You kind of are. But maybe the first step toward changing that is not hanging on every word from a sweaty rich prick with a ski-goggle tan.
Also, side note: the concept of racism is hilarious to us. What a waste of everyone’s time. Skin color? Really? I mean, it’s not funny, but it’s kind of funny, you know what I mean? Also, Tuck, come on. It’s, like, Buddy, look in the mirror. White people aren’t exactly special. You have, like, hot dogs, the Beatles, and that’s kind of it. That’s the culture you’re trying to protect? We say this with love: Let it go. You guys peaked like eighty years ago. Trust us. It gets better.
I guess what we’re saying is, you beings seem pretty chill as a whole, but, all things being equal, you can miss us with the Tucker bullshit. I mean, we regularly travel billions of light-years to visit you, but that dude is exhausting. We don’t even believe in the concept of good and bad, but he’s for sure bad.
Anyway, talk soon. Keep calm. You got this. And, if things get truly out of hand, don’t sweat. We’ll just incinerate you all in a nanosecond.
Love and kisses, The Aliens
P.S. Are y’all just gonna let the Epstein thing slide? That felt like kind of a big deal, no? ♦
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