NonCOVID19 Passports That Reduce Your Risk to Society
Illustration by Luci Gutiérrez

While electronic vaccine passports are being fiercely debated, consensus is forming around several other passports that would communicate the level of danger you pose to the world.

Flip-Flops Passport

Discloses when you last wore flip-flops in a non-nautical setting.

Sobbed-During-“Nomadland” Passport

Identifies that you cried during Swankie’s farewell monologue.

Magic-Trick-on-a-First-Date Passport

Confirms that you have never performed a card trick on a first date with a potential romantic partner.

Reply-Guy Passport

Documents the last time you replied to a tweet without even liking it first.

Parent-of-a-Child-with-a-Scooter Passport

Reveals whether you are currently a caretaker of a speed demon.

Slice-Enumerator Passport

Records the number of consecutive days you’ve eaten only pizza.

Potluck Passport

Shows whether the dishes you have brought to communal gatherings matched what you indicated you would be bringing in the pre-potluck Google Sheet.

Public-Toilet-Seat Passport

Catalogues when you last put your bare butt on the toilet seat of a public bathroom.

Pretended-to-Have-Seen-the-TV-Show-Everyone-Else-Was-Talking-About Passport

If true, you’re under mandatory house arrest.

Chipotle-Test-Kitchen-for-Your-Anniversary-Dinner Passport

Verifies that you did not suggest the Chipotle test kitchen in Greenwich Village as a location for an anniversary dinner in 2018.

Citizen Passport

Shows if you have the surveillance-state app Citizen on your phone.

Barber/Hairdresser Passport

Identifies whether whoever cuts your hair thinks you’re a good person.

Nicholas Sparks Passport

Certifies that you have not consumed media from the Nicholas Sparks cinematic universe in the past thirty days.

String-Cheese-as-an-Ingredient Passport

Discloses the last time you chopped up a piece of Starbucks-branded string cheese to use in a dish you were preparing.

Tipping Passport

Logs your history of tipping at drag shows, car washes, and combination drag show–car washes.

“The Da Vinci Code”-on-a-First-Date Passport

Confirms that you have never suggested watching Ron Howard’s two-hour-and-fifty-four-minute adaptation of Dan Brown’s novel on a first date with a potential romantic partner.

Taco Bell Passport

Documents that you are currently wholeheartedly living más. ♦