Dear Ivan,
I thought I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed to live next to a laboratory. It’s 1897, after all—in this respectable modern age, we must all be good neighbors and dump refuse in the open sewer pit on our street. Sure, there was always a chance that your medicinal leeches might invade my garden or that phosphate runoff might nibble at the foundation of my home. I’m even O.K. with a bit of queasiness from that newfangled “radiation”—I’m a cool neighbor! But this time your experimentation has gone too far. I have absolutely had it with the constant bell-ringing!
Every day, for months now, I have watched you lead a pack of dogs into your laboratory, only for the dinging to commence. The noise is so bad that I cannot even hear the pitiable cries of the urchin newsboys over your racket. And my entire family is subjected to it non-stop, for, although we are gainfully employed at the textile mill, we mostly toil from home on our personal looms. Worst of all, your bells disturb my children, and they all have strict weaving quotas to meet! Think of the children, Ivan!
I have no idea what you are trying to prove with your little study, but you might as well give up now. Let me tell you something: when this ruckus began, I used to send noise complaints to the constable every time I heard the bell. But now I don’t even have to wait for the ringing; I write a complaint letter immediately upon seeing the dogs, for I know that your bell is sure to follow. I’ve figured you out, Ivan!
In fact, I am so committed to my principles that I now reflexively pen a noise complaint whenever I see a dog anywhere. I’m always one step ahead of you! It is only a matter of time before the law responds to my entreaties, Ivan. And, when police arrive to shut down your ridiculous research, I will reward their efforts by giving them a delicious treat! (I have found that this simple gesture works wonders for getting others to do your bidding. They come out, I feed them a treat, and, I promise you, they show up faster next time for some reason. That’s just how it works. I have no idea why.)
I hope you see now that I have thoroughly outsmarted you and your disturbances. I do not wish to be enemies, Ivan. If you ever need a thoughtful, independent-minded weaver to look over your studies, I would be happy to lend an eye. Maybe one day I could visit your laboratory and give you some pointers. Who knows? You might even learn a thing or two from me. I’m a pretty motivational guy! And great with a loom.
I would gladly invite you over for treats, but I’m afraid that our doorknob has lately been giving us a mild yet unpleasant electric shock. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?
Your neighbor,
Elmer Angstrom ♦
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