I wish I could learn to control it but years of therapy have done nothing for that specific issue.

But this tends to derail all meaningful discussions because his only goal is to get me to stop crying in the moment and long-term things don't always improve.

Some people have told me to write him a letter, which I’ve tried, but the result usually ends up the same during the follow-up discussion. I don’t really know how to move forward in a constructive way at this point.

— Waterworks

Waterworks: I know your question is about the tears.

But I have questions.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't show pleasure at being with you?

Why stay with someone whose communication style you don't understand?

Why is your answer for such style differences to tiptoe around him and turn inward against yourself — “hurt my own feelings” — vs. either to fix the communication or break up?

Why are we talking about how to get through these stressful conversations instead of why they're so stressful and why there are so many of them?

I harbor no illusions about relationships. They're hard sometimes. Different people with different histories, styles, feelings and agendas are going to clash sometimes.

But that's not a reason to treat grueling teary frustration with a partner as normal and therefore something you have to just find ways to muscle through. On the contrary. Because things can get so hard, that's why it's so important to choose someone whose love you understand. Someone you can read, get along with, and communicate with easily during normal times.

That's why it's so important to choose someone who doesn't have to be asked to be happy to see you, and to un-choose someone — break up — when the happy goes away.

Or, of course: why it's important not to choose anyone at all, if that's the healthier option for you. You're not beholden to people just because they love you; you can be as particular as you need to be.

Not being with someone who stresses you out so much might stop the crying right there, on its own.

But if you still want to give this a try, try this: “It’s obvious I cry during these conversations. I’ve tried stopping it and I’ll keep trying. In the meantime, though, please just ignore it and pay attention to what I’m saying, instead of trying to soothe me.”

Even if that strategy happens to work, please don’t stay in this or any relationship if unstoppable crying remains a feature of it, and not the occasional bug.