Woman meditates quickly.

On 2x speed: The point is to go slow. 1.5x speed at max.

Woman meditates in an Uber.

In an Uber: You’re just trying to avoid conversation. Which is honestly valid, but is not meditation. Meditation is about connecting and speaking a lot.

Woman meditates during yoga class.

In yoga class: They let you pretend you’re meditating, but you’re obviously just taking a break from exercise.

Woman meditates while napping.

During naps: This is just sleeping.

Woman meditates during meditation group.

In a meditation group: This is for meeting eligible men only. You have to stay focussed on the goal—that’s what mindfulness is all about.

Woman meditates and checks her phone.

While checking your Twitter notifications: This defeats the purpose of meditation, a primary benefit of which is that, when you return to your phones, you have many more notifications.

Woman drunkenly meditates and is surrounded by open bottles of alcohol.

Drunk: Meditating is more about appreciating how boring it is not to be drunk.

Woman meditates while sitting on top of her television that is playing the news.

With the TV news on, warning you to evacuate your region: Who still has a TV?

Woman meditates and sits in her halfpacked suitcase.

As you pack your things and rush to your car: You don’t have space for your meditation cushion anyway.

Woman meditates while holding the doorframe during an earthquake.

In an earthquake: It doesn’t count as meditating if your body isn’t still. Besides, that’s not what earthquakes are for. Earthquakes are for texting your crush if he’s O.K.

Woman meditates while surrounded by fire.

While flames burn around you on all sides: Our bodies are more alert when it’s cold, so don’t even try.

During the apocalypse: Actually, if your phone’s already stopped working, you don’t really need to meditate. “Turns out it was your phone, not the raging fires of Hell around you, that took you out of the moment.”

In your brother’s bunker that you mercilessly mocked him for investing in: If you’re in a bunker, you’re already enough of a dweeb. Don’t make it worse by meditating.

Woman meditates on the toilet.

On the pot you now pee into: Studies show that meditating on the toilet often leads us to forget to flush. You can’t flush a pot, but it seems like a relevant fact anyway.

Woman holds phone and looks down at rat.

After you discover that you’re the last person on Earth: There’s actually no point in meditating now, because you don’t have anyone to brag about it to.