I’LL TELL YOU THIS MUCH

By Rich Sparks

MOOKS IN SPACE

I’ll tell you this much, we’ll never put a man on the Moon. It’s not from lack of trying though. I mean, what was all that fuss around the monkey and the rabbit and, remind me here, did we also send a Labradoodle into space? Or am I thinking of the Generation SpaceXers?  (That bunch. So entitled!) In any case, Russia stands a better chance of getting to it before we do, and they don’t even believe in God, so who knows how everything stays up there without crashing back down. Not that I’m not all up in Science’s brownies, because I totally am, but I also don’t mind seeing something with my own eyes so I can have a little faith in what I already believe in. 

   But isn’t that always the way? While you’re busy robbing Peter to pay Paul, Paul has stolen your HBO password and is now two seasons deep into “The Sopranos” and, well, what are you going to do, make him stop now that he’s embedded, which would be a total mook move. People can say what they want about you—about US!—but they can’t say any of us—or YOU!—are that. No sir, not without me—or US!—having something to say about it. So that’s the state of play at the moment. Sometimes you think, “I’m so close I can almost smell it,” and then you smell it and realize you are actually way too close.  That’s why I think America and specifically Americans are so confidently nervous these days, because what is a person if not everything they’ve ever been bad at? Ah, I see your reaction. You agree, but you don’t want to be seen agreeing with me. Let’s meet in the parking lot later and agree.

   So, then, the Moon. Let’s break this down so we know what we’re talking about. 1) a sphere in space (man, if I had a nickel…); 2) has a dark side (like me. Thanks, vodka.);  3) pock marked (easy fix, my derm is a miracleworker.); 4) no gravity (man, if I had a nickel…); 5) we want to go there. Did I leave anything out? Oh yeah: WHY? I’ve been to Muncie, Indiana, and I know you have too because I saw you at the Starbucks, and if my walk around that made me queasy, what’s the Moon hold in store? Here’s what I’m getting at: The coffee in Muncie is so-so, no matter where you get it from. So THAT’S your Space Race? If I wanted to golf in dust or turn my urine into drinking water I’d visit my mom at the retirement village. (Amish Meadows. The price was right, and these days Mom and zippers have issues anyway.) Look, I get the whole lunar escapist thing, it’s like Big Sky country for people who don’t find the Sky in Big Sky country Big enough, but I’m telling you, Muncie this time of year, if you can overlook the coffee, really feels like somewhere else. 

I’ll cut to the chase. There are lots of round things out there worth colonizing, or at the very least landing on. So why limit ourselves? We are a people of vision, a people famous for lots of other things also, including trucker portions. It’s in that spirit I suggest, nay, implore the Powers That Be All That to let this whole moon thing lie, like a sleeping dog. And what’s the significance in that? Sleeping dogs tell no tales, my friend. And you can’t say that about many people, especially the Moon.